I have heard the phrase "new 'normal'" or "your 'normal'" all too often in the past 15 months; I have used it for myself and more people have said it to me than I can recall. I hate it. I really do, and I use the word hate incredibly sparingly. "New 'normal'" means a very different life than anything I had pictured. It means adjusting to change, significant change. It implies there is at least some sense of a "normal" that we all come to expect in this life and that chance of "normal" will never be my reality.
Over the months I have been grieving many "normal" things I expected at the discovery of pregnancy #2, things that are rightly anticipated when one finds out they are pregnant: I grieve my boys wrestling, I grieve Beckett running, I grieve having Beckett on my hip while I make dinner in the kitchen, I grieve juggling two kids while running errands, I grieve taking my two boys by myself to the park, I grieve traditional schooling for Beckett, I grieve hosting and entertaining in our home due to appropriate quarantining to protect Beckett's weakened immune system, I grieve Beckett eating solid foods, to name a few. It is right to believe God for his goodness and expect a baby born in full health, the "normal". After all, that is how He designed this world to function, in full health.
However, this world is so broken from sin that it can't possibly operate as it was initially designed. We feel the hurt, aches, and pains from the brokenness every day of our lives: a family member is diagnosed with cancer, a drug overdose on the news, wars waging, a crippling sports injury, an affair of a spouse, the effects of an aging body. Life as we know it is not how God wanted us to know it. And it grieves Him, yet He isn't stuck in that grief. He can see eternity because He wrote it so He knows how the story ends, or rather when the story is fully restored and truly begins. Therefore it makes sense He is not stuck in grief. He is hope. He offers hope amidst the pain that surrounds us. The death of His Son offers rescue from our broken selves and world around us and a promise of eternity with Him in perfection (even better than "normal" on earth). He is the reason I have hope, and don't remain stuck in my grief. No, I can't literally see what lies ahead or what Heaven will be like entirely, but I have His Word which is truth and I can trust Him - literally taking Him at His Word. I claim His truth. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4) I trust His word. I trust Him.
In my mix of grief and hope I have been overwhelmed with tears, sadness, and heartache. The road the Lord has us on is heavy and hard. I have resolved to one thing, and one thing only...The Lord is the Rock on which I stand (Psalm 18:2). He is my foundation, He is all that is guaranteed in this life, in my life. In my grief, I have accepted the Lord's plans for my life but recently I have had a greater longer to embrace His plans. As much as I have sensed a longing to embrace His plans I haven't known exactly what that looked like. I have spent much time over the past several months praying for the Lord's help so that I could embrace the journey we are on only to come up empty handed as to what that even meant.
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embrace [em-breys] verb
to take or receive gladly or eagerly, accept willingly
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I don't want to simply accept the journey the Lord has me on. In His holy sovereignty He knows what is best so my hope would be that I would embrace what He has for me. That I would "take or receive gladly or eagerly" even and especially the hardship that comes my way. But how? How do I move from accepting (tolerating something falling in my lap) to embracing (welcoming something with open arms, with excitement and desire)?
Last week, I had a some time to run a few errands by myself. My final stop was the grocery store. As I pulled into the parking lot, I was happy to find a spot close to the doors because it was an exceptionally windy day in Fargo and I didn't want to blow away. I climbed out and tucked my chin down to my chest in order to brace myself a bit from the blast that was about to hit. It was sure to be a quick, brisk walk - until I noticed a little train exiting the store. It caught my attention and I immediately slowed my pace and lifted my head. I saw a mom pulling her full cart behind her with her left hand and in front of her, maneuvering almost effortlessly against the wind, was her right hand pushing a wheelchair. I fought back tears as I took in this sweet, beautiful sight and listened to her talk endearingly to her teenage son about the wind as he stared off unresponsive. I couldn't escape thinking about what I just witnessed as I mindlessly completed the task of filling my own cart as I checked off my grocery list. My heart burst with a deep desire for that to be me some day; I felt a deep longing to aspire to be just like that mom. I want to have to juggle a cart and Beckett's wheelchair. I want Beckett to be able to experience the simple, mundane task of grocery shopping. I want Beckett's life to be lived fully with me right alongside him. I want what the Lord has placed in my lap.
Most of these thoughts were not new to me. In fact only one was, but it was significant. On my drive home, it hit me. This is exactly what it meant to embrace the Lord's plans. Not simply accepting and enjoying my life but to have a deep sense of longing for exactly what my life is. I am reminded of a verse that I have clung to since high school. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." In my immaturity in high school I believed that truth but I didn't have the right lens with which to understand it theologically accurately. In college my understanding grew and I realized by clinging to the Lord (delighting in Him) He would mold/shape my heart to beat for what He wanted to it beat for (create [His] desires [in my] heart). This happened for me last week and I realized it in the most unusual of circumstances. For months I have sought the Lord to understand what it looked like to embrace my "new normal"; He was doing a work in my heart to prepare me to understand it in the fleeting 15 seconds it took for me to walk into Hornbacher's on a windy day in May. Those 15 seconds were incredibly impressionable and I will take with me for as long as I can remember.
The Lord has given me a new ambition - to embrace this life the Lord is entrusting me with, to delight in being a mom to a child with special needs. To eagerly anticipate, to welcome with open arms the unique and special journey I will be on with Beckett. My normal. No, it's not what I pictured, but it is all that I will know.
To the mom I don't know and may never see again - thank you for influencing my life. Thank you for a beautiful glimpse into what will realistically be my future some day. I am grateful for you.
Over the months I have been grieving many "normal" things I expected at the discovery of pregnancy #2, things that are rightly anticipated when one finds out they are pregnant: I grieve my boys wrestling, I grieve Beckett running, I grieve having Beckett on my hip while I make dinner in the kitchen, I grieve juggling two kids while running errands, I grieve taking my two boys by myself to the park, I grieve traditional schooling for Beckett, I grieve hosting and entertaining in our home due to appropriate quarantining to protect Beckett's weakened immune system, I grieve Beckett eating solid foods, to name a few. It is right to believe God for his goodness and expect a baby born in full health, the "normal". After all, that is how He designed this world to function, in full health.
However, this world is so broken from sin that it can't possibly operate as it was initially designed. We feel the hurt, aches, and pains from the brokenness every day of our lives: a family member is diagnosed with cancer, a drug overdose on the news, wars waging, a crippling sports injury, an affair of a spouse, the effects of an aging body. Life as we know it is not how God wanted us to know it. And it grieves Him, yet He isn't stuck in that grief. He can see eternity because He wrote it so He knows how the story ends, or rather when the story is fully restored and truly begins. Therefore it makes sense He is not stuck in grief. He is hope. He offers hope amidst the pain that surrounds us. The death of His Son offers rescue from our broken selves and world around us and a promise of eternity with Him in perfection (even better than "normal" on earth). He is the reason I have hope, and don't remain stuck in my grief. No, I can't literally see what lies ahead or what Heaven will be like entirely, but I have His Word which is truth and I can trust Him - literally taking Him at His Word. I claim His truth. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4) I trust His word. I trust Him.
In my mix of grief and hope I have been overwhelmed with tears, sadness, and heartache. The road the Lord has us on is heavy and hard. I have resolved to one thing, and one thing only...The Lord is the Rock on which I stand (Psalm 18:2). He is my foundation, He is all that is guaranteed in this life, in my life. In my grief, I have accepted the Lord's plans for my life but recently I have had a greater longer to embrace His plans. As much as I have sensed a longing to embrace His plans I haven't known exactly what that looked like. I have spent much time over the past several months praying for the Lord's help so that I could embrace the journey we are on only to come up empty handed as to what that even meant.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
embrace [em-breys] verb
to take or receive gladly or eagerly, accept willingly
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to simply accept the journey the Lord has me on. In His holy sovereignty He knows what is best so my hope would be that I would embrace what He has for me. That I would "take or receive gladly or eagerly" even and especially the hardship that comes my way. But how? How do I move from accepting (tolerating something falling in my lap) to embracing (welcoming something with open arms, with excitement and desire)?
Last week, I had a some time to run a few errands by myself. My final stop was the grocery store. As I pulled into the parking lot, I was happy to find a spot close to the doors because it was an exceptionally windy day in Fargo and I didn't want to blow away. I climbed out and tucked my chin down to my chest in order to brace myself a bit from the blast that was about to hit. It was sure to be a quick, brisk walk - until I noticed a little train exiting the store. It caught my attention and I immediately slowed my pace and lifted my head. I saw a mom pulling her full cart behind her with her left hand and in front of her, maneuvering almost effortlessly against the wind, was her right hand pushing a wheelchair. I fought back tears as I took in this sweet, beautiful sight and listened to her talk endearingly to her teenage son about the wind as he stared off unresponsive. I couldn't escape thinking about what I just witnessed as I mindlessly completed the task of filling my own cart as I checked off my grocery list. My heart burst with a deep desire for that to be me some day; I felt a deep longing to aspire to be just like that mom. I want to have to juggle a cart and Beckett's wheelchair. I want Beckett to be able to experience the simple, mundane task of grocery shopping. I want Beckett's life to be lived fully with me right alongside him. I want what the Lord has placed in my lap.
Most of these thoughts were not new to me. In fact only one was, but it was significant. On my drive home, it hit me. This is exactly what it meant to embrace the Lord's plans. Not simply accepting and enjoying my life but to have a deep sense of longing for exactly what my life is. I am reminded of a verse that I have clung to since high school. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." In my immaturity in high school I believed that truth but I didn't have the right lens with which to understand it theologically accurately. In college my understanding grew and I realized by clinging to the Lord (delighting in Him) He would mold/shape my heart to beat for what He wanted to it beat for (create [His] desires [in my] heart). This happened for me last week and I realized it in the most unusual of circumstances. For months I have sought the Lord to understand what it looked like to embrace my "new normal"; He was doing a work in my heart to prepare me to understand it in the fleeting 15 seconds it took for me to walk into Hornbacher's on a windy day in May. Those 15 seconds were incredibly impressionable and I will take with me for as long as I can remember.
The Lord has given me a new ambition - to embrace this life the Lord is entrusting me with, to delight in being a mom to a child with special needs. To eagerly anticipate, to welcome with open arms the unique and special journey I will be on with Beckett. My normal. No, it's not what I pictured, but it is all that I will know.
To the mom I don't know and may never see again - thank you for influencing my life. Thank you for a beautiful glimpse into what will realistically be my future some day. I am grateful for you.
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